woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
