I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have already put on my inside pants.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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