This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
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Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
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doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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