She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
