I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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