you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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