never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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