I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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