You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
