Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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