there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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