she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
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I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
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