I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
