i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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