I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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