I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
