I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
