I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
tell me about the eggs
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
