First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
