Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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