so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
