Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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