My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
