god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I accidentally burped into my bong.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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