I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
