I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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