You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Randomize
