Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
