I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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