fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
