You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
