I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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