I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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