He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
