what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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