If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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