My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
These tits shall not be calmed
Randomize
