I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
