True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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