I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
