I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
