I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
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