Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
