I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
