Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Who wears a wallet chain?!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
