Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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