Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
