I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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