In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
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I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
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He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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