so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
