She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
