do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
