I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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