Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
