that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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