...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
